Gimmie Ya Five Dollar Foot Long

The jingle is a dying tactic in the world of advertising. However, even though consumers are so jaded about the media some simple jingles are able to rise up and become the next pop culture phenomenon. Subway's Five Dollar Footlong *giggle* campaign is just that. Everyone knows it, it's pretty easy for it to get stuck in your head when the phrase "Five Dollar Footlong" is uttered in a rhythmic pattern that makes me want to bust out my 'ill moves' and by 'ill moves' I mean bumping and grinding against my nearest friend so creepy guys that resemble the ones in the YouTube sensation "My New Haircut" get the hint that I'm not into them. Maybe the Five Dollar Footlong campaign is successful because of the hand motion that is involved with performing the song, or the fact that Subway can use the words "Five Dollar" and "Footlong" without getting those prudes at the FCC involved. Actually, if I want to get technical with the folks at Subway, I'm actually not getting 12 meaty inches of meat, cheese and condiments *giggle* for Five Dollars. With tax, that well endowed sandwich comes to more than five dollars. Although, the local sub shop near my apartment may not be as fancy as you are Subway and they may in fact be slightly more expensive, but at least I know where their meat comes from and they do address me by my name.

Stimulate the Economy by Stimulating Your Loins

There's a soft spot in my heart (or maybe labido)for Trojan's television commercials. Back in the late 1990's when I would watch MTV's Loveline, the classic Trojan Man spots would come on and even then as a sexually-naive pre-teen I knew they were great, especially the one in the barn. "Oh, Billy Ray you have the biggest zucchini in all of these parts!" Their last 'Evolve' campaign was brilliant, and now Trojan is banking on the trend of saying how our economy is going down the shit-hole as Borat would say. The patriotic commercial looks more like a GOP ad than an ad for rubbers. An American flag waves proudly in the background as our nation's bird appears majestically. The voice-over rings out proudly, announcing that Trojan has released their own "stimulus package" and that we need to "ride out these hard economic times." Trojan's philosophy is pretty much on point; even bad sex can cure the heartache you'll endure when you realize you won't have retirement money, or in the case of my fellow college students out there...still living with your parents until you're 30. Be American! Buy Trojan! Durex condoms are for Commies; you're not a damn Commie are you? I thought so.